Productivity

I fully realize I won't get better at writing unless I write more.

I fully realize my books won't get annotated unless I start reading them.

I fully realize I won't get healthy unless I start eating right.

I fully realize I need to exercise.

I fully realize I need to stop being so anxious.

I'm just having trouble getting started.

I went to Chuck E Cheese

I always thought his name was Chuckie. I know it's not just me. 

For Spencer's birthday we also went to Chuck E Cheese. Annndddd we are getting a bit old for it. But it's still super fun and it was his favorite place for as long as I can remember. (No one is ever too old for fun!)

This is an example of how much I love my brother, because I downloaded the whole Chuck E Cheese app so he could have his picture taken with animated Chuck E. By the way, this app is actually pretty good and easy to work with, so 8/10 would use if I went here with children often. 

Also, this was probably going to be our last time coming here regularly, so my mom decided we were going to spend all of the extra tickets we had been saving up since I was about six. A decade worth of tickets. We had a little more than 8,000. 

That meant we could get big prizes! 

 My big wall prize was a Generator Rex toy that came with a gun thing, but I only wanted the action figure. I LOVED that show! He was about 1800 tickets. I believe he would've been $15-$20 at the store. I dislike that he can't fully sit though.
Since each of us could spend about 2,200, I got a few small prizes. First, the pink bracelet on the left was 125 tickets, and I'm a bit annoyed with it because the blue part can come out, so it's a hassle.
The green bracelet on the other side was about 15 tickets, and I like it. Pretty good for cheap Chuck E Cheese prizes! :)

I nearly forgot about these! I also got some stick on mustaches for 200 tickets. I think they are so funny with Chuck E modeling them in the packaging. They are actually Chuck E Cheese brand too. I wanted some stick on mustaches for videos and such, so I'm glad I got them instead of buying them. 

If you were wondering, my mom paid $40 for all of us to go, and that included 200-ish(?) tokens and lunch! Plus we each got $20 valued toys, so I think it was a good use of money. I love Chuck E Cheese, even though I'm still scared of the mouse costume. I'm scared of all those kinds of costumes. 

I'm a bit too happy about getting Rex, I tucked him into bed last night and then sent this picture to my friend around 10 am saying that I was letting Rex sleep in today. 

I really do love him.

And he wassss in that box for such a long time! 

Birthdays

Today was my brother's birthday 

His name is Spencer and he turned thirteen. He's a twin, actually. But we always celebrate their birthdays separately so they have one special day. Also, Spencer has autism. 

I just want to let you know that this isn't some sappy post about how wonderful it is that he's functioning so well and that he is a gift or whatever because hey, everyone is special. 

What I've figured out is that he acts the way we all would, he just has no real filter. So when he starts crying and freaking out because he'd disappointed in his gifts, it didn't surprise me. I felt exactly the same way about my gifts for my birthday this year; for my "sweet sixteen" actually. (It wasn't so sweet) 

Honestly I feel selfish and bad for being upset about the presents I got, I mean, I'm very grateful I'm so well off, but, that doesn't mean I can't feel disappointment when I don't like anything I get. (I mean for God's sake I should get a great present I'M SIXTEEN)

I obviously felt sad at the time, but watching him feel that way brought back those feelings I had, and now it's taking me a little bit to recover. 

I'll get over it soon. 

<3 HAPPY BIRTHDAY COOPER AND SPENCER!!!!! <3

Oh by the way, there are now four teenagers living in my house, my three brothers and I! 

"Morgan's Trying To Get Her Life Together" List

LESBIHONEST. I won't get shit done unless I have some sort of deadline. Now, deadlines can be scary. But I can't afford not to have a structured schedule because I am not very good at self-regulating.
So this is what I am doing. I need to be busy, so I'm making myself a little calender list type thing to help me get shit done.

OH WOW BTW I MAKE YOUTUBE VIDEOS.
I tend to make the video and the take weeks to edit it. I need that to stop.

New Videos every Tuesday and Friday. (And whenever I feel like making one)

That way, I'll film two days before and then edit the day before I post it.

One thing my terrible therapist told me to do was journal. And that was one of the only good things she told me to do. I'm sort of going to do that with this blog.

Every day I'm going to make a journal post. BUT. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday I'm going to make a structured blog post about whatever.

Obviously this schedule will change once I get back to school, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. :)

All this will start today, with a new video being up on Friday. Please check it out! :)

Amazon Book Haul

This is my first time buying anything off of Amazon! 

The first book I bought was Don't Worry, It Gets Worse by Alida Nugent. I heard about it through Hayley G. Hoover's May video, and the title was so witty that I decided to check out "The Frenemy Blog" and loved it; so naturally I wanted to buy the book. I was worried that I wouldn't relate to this book at all since I'm 16 and not in my twenties, but the reviews gave me the sense I would still enjoy it. 

The next book I got is a science-y book called The Primal Teen  by Barbara Strauch. In the AP class I'm going to be taking next year, we are required to read two books, one science, and one autobiography/ biography. This book sounded interesting, and it was on the list, so I got it. 

Next I got The World Without Us  by Alan Weisman. This book was also on my science topic list for school, but I wanted to read it for enjoyment, not for the assignment. 

The last book I got is also for school. It's called Lipstick Jihad  and it's by Azadeh Moaveni. I feel like I am really going to enjoy reading this, basically because it is exploring a lot of feminist stuff. 

After I finish reading each book I'm going to do a review on them, so stay tuned for that :) 

Tuesday, May 28th.

I'm posting this a bit later after I wrote this. 

It’s pretty late at night, at least for me. I started having some freaking out feelings while looking for a job online. I need a job rather badly and it’s stressing the crap out of me. You see, I've never been a get-goer kind of person, unlike my parents, and that scares them (and to an extent, me). 

I need a job so I can start saving up for college expenses, and so I can help pay for a driving class I need to take. I need to find a place to work close to my house so my parents can drive me, since I can’t drive, because I need to help pay for the class.

Obviously, big circle. But I have loads of anxiety. Driving, job hunting, keeping the job, it all really stresses me out and makes me want to run away from all the work, which is what I can’t do and that trait irritates my parents. I don’t think we can afford a new therapist, (my other one was terrible) but we need to figure all this out and see if I need medicine or something, but the idea of talking to one freaks me out even more. 

I know most of it is my motivation to get better, but that’s one of the problems, I’m not motivated to try to do anything. I don’t have the kind of work ethic or drive or want to make myself better. I just want to push pass all of this anxiety and be productive and successful and be better, but that thought gives me loads of anxiety. It's like a boat of anxiety sailing in an ocean of anxiety.