Tuesday, May 28th.

I'm posting this a bit later after I wrote this. 

It’s pretty late at night, at least for me. I started having some freaking out feelings while looking for a job online. I need a job rather badly and it’s stressing the crap out of me. You see, I've never been a get-goer kind of person, unlike my parents, and that scares them (and to an extent, me). 

I need a job so I can start saving up for college expenses, and so I can help pay for a driving class I need to take. I need to find a place to work close to my house so my parents can drive me, since I can’t drive, because I need to help pay for the class.

Obviously, big circle. But I have loads of anxiety. Driving, job hunting, keeping the job, it all really stresses me out and makes me want to run away from all the work, which is what I can’t do and that trait irritates my parents. I don’t think we can afford a new therapist, (my other one was terrible) but we need to figure all this out and see if I need medicine or something, but the idea of talking to one freaks me out even more. 

I know most of it is my motivation to get better, but that’s one of the problems, I’m not motivated to try to do anything. I don’t have the kind of work ethic or drive or want to make myself better. I just want to push pass all of this anxiety and be productive and successful and be better, but that thought gives me loads of anxiety. It's like a boat of anxiety sailing in an ocean of anxiety.